What You Ignore You Empower Never Again

Does your child ignore every consequence you requite him? James Lehman can assist with 10 specific means to make consequences work—even for the most resistant child.

When kids are faced with something unpleasant, they'll often human action similar it doesn't affair to them. When your child says, "I don't care," or seems unaffected when you give him a issue, what he's actually saying is, "You tin't hurt me."

That's because receiving a consequence makes kids feel powerless. Their sense of cocky almost requires them to respond by shrugging and maxim, "Whatever," simply in society to feel in control once again.

Focus on what y'all want your child to learn from the consequence—not whether or not he's going to intendance.

Personally, I don't think parents should worry likewise much when their child appears not to be affected. Instead, I think you should focus on what y'all want your child to learn from the consequence—non whether or not he's going to intendance.

In fact, I think trying to get your child to intendance is a misdirected goal. Don't put and so much weight on making him "injure" that you're not thinking about trying to get your child to learn a new behavior. If your kid can stop y'all in your tracks by maxim "I don't intendance," you're giving him way too much power.

To put information technology another way, if you lot're looking for your child to surrender, forget about it. A consequence is not designed to make your child say, "I'm pitiful, Mom, I was incorrect." Rather, it's there to help your child modify his behavior.

Retrieve of information technology this fashion. The consequence for not post-obit the speed limit is that you might get a speeding ticket. Yous may shrug and say, "Whatever," to the constabulary officer when he pulls you over, but that won't stop him from giving yous that ticket. And if you say, "I don't intendance," he'll say, "Well, hither you go, sir. Have a skillful day." He won't fence with you. He'll simply manus you the ticket and walk away.

In my opinion, you accept to be like that police officer when giving your child a consequence. Don't get sucked into an argument when your teen says, "I don't care," because that argument brings you down to his level—and that'southward what he'southward looking for. Instead, simply say:

"All right, fine, but y'all're still going to lose your cell phone for 48 hours."

And so simply plough around and exit the room.

Once again, if y'all're trying to become your kid to care nearly the consequence you requite him, that'southward like trying to get him to like yous. You shouldn't endeavour to command his emotional life. Just say:

"These are the consequences."

And even if he says he doesn't care, let him know that he will encounter them again if he breaks the rules.

Here are 10 tips for how to give consequences that work—fifty-fifty when kids say they don't care.

ane. Utilize Consequences That Have Meaning

It'southward almost never effective to give your child a consequence in the heat of an argument. Frequently, parents will be either also harsh or too lenient, because cipher advisable comes to mind immediately.

I advise parents to sit down and write a "consequences list." Y'all tin recollect of this as a card of choices. When compiling this list, keep in mind that you lot want the consequence to be unpleasant, because you desire your kid to feel uncomfortable. It's besides important to recall about the lesson yous want him to learn—and this lesson should be fastened to the consequence.

If, like most teens, your child'southward cell phone has meaning for him, don't exist shy about using it equally leverage. So let'southward say your kid curses and is rude to his sister, and you want him to learn how to manage his feelings. I think an effective consequence might exist that he would lose his prison cell phone until he doesn't curse and isn't rude to his sister for 24 hours.

In those 24 hours, he might also have to write a note of apology to his sibling stating what he'll practice differently the adjacent time he gets frustrated. If he fails to write the letter, he doesn't go his phone back—and the 24 hours starts all over over again.

2. Don't Try to Appeal to His Emotions with Speeches

Recall, your job is not to get your kid to beloved his sister or to appeal to his emotions with a voice communication because all he will hear is, "Your sister looks upwardly to you, blah, blah, apathetic."

Your task is to take his telephone and say:

"Hey, we talk to each other nicely around hither. And if yous can't do that, then you tin can't use the phone. Nosotros'll talk about giving it back to you after you talk nicely to your family unit for 24 hours."

3. Make Consequences Black and White

When you requite a consequence, the simpler you keep things, the better. Once again, you don't want to get into details and long speeches. What yous want to exercise is lay out your consequences for your child's inappropriate behavior very conspicuously.

Information technology'due south often helpful if he knows ahead of time what will happen when he acts out. The consequences for your kid's behavior should be clear to him. Tell him:

"If you talk nastily to your sister, this is what'due south going to happen from at present on."

And whenever you're going to introduce an thought to your kid that may exist unsettling, anxiety-provoking, or frustrating to him, do it when things are going well, not when everybody's screaming at each other. Expect until a calm moment and then lay out the consequences simply and conspicuously.

4. Talk to Your Child About Effective Problem-Solving

I retrieve it's vitally important to have problem-solving conversations with your kid after an incident has occurred. When things are going well, y'all can say:

"If you get frustrated with your sister in the future, what can you exercise differently, other than to call her names? Allow'due south make a list."

You might aid generate some ideas by saying:

"Instead of calling her names, how almost going to your room and listening to some music for a few minutes? Could you lot do that?"

And try to assist your child come up up with his own ideas. He might say, "If she follows me effectually the house, I'll go to my room."

You can so say:

"All right, why don't nosotros effort that? For the rest of today, if your sister bothers y'all, choice one thing that you're going to do from this list and run across if it's helpful."

Conversations like these are how you lot get your child to think about alternative solutions other than yelling at his sister, name-calling, or acting out.

Wait at it this way: we all go frustrated, nosotros all get angry, and we all get anxious. But everyone has to learn to deal with those feelings appropriately. And a problem-solving chat is the about effective way to talk with your child about change.

five. Don't Get Sucked into an Argument over Consequences

Don't have every invitation to fence with your child. Understand that he wants you to become upset then he can drag you lot into a fight.

Your child besides wants to evidence you that he'due south not injure by the consequence y'all've given him. Believe me, I understand that it'due south annoying and frustrating as a parent. Kids will try to button your buttons by saying: "Who cares. Whatever." But don't get sucked into it. Just say:

"All right, it'due south also bad that you don't intendance. That means information technology'southward just going to happen more than often."

Then go do something else. And retrieve, while you don't desire to get sucked into a power struggle, y'all besides don't desire to destroy your child'south pride by demeaning him. You lot only desire him to stop talking poorly to his sister.

half-dozen. Don't Teach Your Child How to "Do Fourth dimension"

Many parents become frustrated and ground their kids for long periods of time in order to make the penalization stick. Personally, I think that'southward a fault.

If you simply ground your child, you lot're teaching him to do time. And he won't learn anything new. But if you ground him until he accomplishes sure things, you can greatly increase the effectiveness of the issue.

I always say to make your consequences job-oriented, not time-oriented. And then if your child loses his video game privileges for 24 hours, he should be doing something within that time frame that helps him ameliorate his beliefs. Simply grounding him from his video games for a week volition but teach him how to look until he can get them dorsum—not how to bear more accordingly. Many parents believe the key to making consequences effective is to go a bigger hammer, but that's not a sound teaching method. And it's ineffective.

Recollect about it, if you lot ground him for xxx days so he does something incorrect tomorrow, what are you going to do? Ground him for 40 days? It won't be effective at that point. And you probably won't stick to it anyway. Yous are basically out of grounding ammunition!

But, if you lot footing him for 24 hours, and then if he misbehaves again after in the week, y'all tin footing him again. Again, we desire consequences to be learning experiences. A upshot that doesn't fit the offense will just seem meaningless to your child, and won't get you the desired result.

Call back, you don't want to exist so castigating that your kid simply gives up. And y'all don't desire to use up all your consequences ammunition all at once. It's ineffective and doesn't translate to better beliefs. And amend behavior IS the goal.

vii. Engage Your Child's Self-involvement

Learn to enquire questions in ways that appeal to your kid's self-involvement. Then for example, you might say:

"What are you going to do the next fourth dimension you call up Dad is being unfair so you lot won't get into trouble?"

In other words, you're trying to appoint his self-involvement. If your kid is a teenager, he won't care about how Dad feels. Adolescents are often very detached from the feelings of others, particularly their parents. They might feel guilty and say they're sorry later, only you'll see the behavior happen once more.

So learn to appeal to their self-interest, and inquire him the question:

"What tin can you exercise and then yous don't get in trouble next time?"

Put it in his all-time interests. Say to him:

"Understand, if yous're going to talk to your sister meanly or curse at her, things are merely going to go worse for you, not ameliorate. I know you want to keep your phone, and so let's think of ways for you to exist able to do that."

8. Learn to Know If a Issue Is Working

Parents frequently say to me, "My child acts like he doesn't care. And then how do I know if the issue I'm giving him is actually working?"

I always tell them, "It's simple—you'll know information technology'southward working every bit long as he's being held accountable." Accountability gives you the best chance for modify.

Think again almost the police officeholder who gives the speeding ticket. Does he actually believe that a single speeding ticket ensures that a driver never speeds again? Of course non. But, the officer knows that if he holds the speeder answerable every time that even the worst offenders eventually acquire to slow down.

9. Don't Take Away Important Events

In my opinion, at that place are certain things that should never be taken abroad from kids. For instance, you should never prohibit your kid from going to the prom. Not always. That'southward a milestone in your child's life.

Personally, I remember that milestones should not be taken away. Your child is not going to larn anything from that feel. He's just going to be biting.

I also believe that sports should not be taken away. I have no problem with kids missing a exercise if that's part of a consequence, but taking away the sport entirely is not a good thought.

10. Don't Bear witness Disgust or Disdain

When giving consequences to your kid, be consistent and firm, but don't show disgust or disdain.

In my opinion, you should never be sarcastic with your child because it's wounding. What you're trying to exercise is raise someone who can function, non somebody who feels they're a constant disappointment to you.

Information technology'southward very important to shape your behavior so that your child knows you're not taking his mistakes personally. Think, the expect on your face up and the tone of your vocalism communicates a lot more to your child than your words do. Positive regard is critical for getting your bulletin across.

A Final Idea

I think information technology'southward important to remember that life is actually a struggle for many kids. Going to school is difficult, both academically and socially, and there is tremendous pressure on children and teens to perform today.

Personally, I think that kids should be recognized and respected for that. Remember of information technology this manner: what you're really trying to practise is piece of work on your child's beliefs to get him to try to do different things.

So if your child misbehaves and you ground him from everything indefinitely, y'all're losing sight of all the other things he did correct. And he will, too.

Instead, nosotros want to look at inappropriate behavior as a fault your child makes. Parents often wonder why their kids make the same mistakes over and over, and I say, "Well, they do that because they're kids. They're not pretending. They perceive things very differently than adults do."

We want our kids to learn, so nosotros use the things they savour as leverage to teach them better beliefs. Afterwards all, giving your child a result until he shows you he tin exercise meliorate is an effective tool you take at your disposal at all times—even if he tells you lot he doesn't intendance.

Related content:
How to Become Your Child to Heed: 9 Secrets to Giving Effective Consequences
Ask Parent Coaching: What to Do When Your Child Says "I Don't Intendance"

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Source: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/kids-who-ignore-consequences-10-ways-to-make-them-stick/

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